And I didn’t learn. My hobby of late has been watching movies. I don’t have the time to go to a movie theater, so I hardly ever go there. But for some strange reason I do have time to travel across the city to Chinatown and spend hours looking for videos of my favorite actors. Then, like the child that I was I watch and watch and watch these movies, ignoring schedules, commitments, and better judgment. So far, watching all these movies has not impaired my eyesight in any way. However I’m convinced that the movies are tying knots in my brain. Credits roll as a psyche drops. I wish it were someone else’s, but I know that old bag anywhere.

Why else would I have so much to regret in life?

Movies are tricky. The viewer is privy to the thoughts of every character encountered. In particularly distressing scenes involving secrets where everything would be resolved in seconds if only someone told the truth, I would have to hold myself down to keep me from yelling, say it! These kinds of movies have created in me a feeling that, in my own life, a lot of things would have resolved themselves if only someone had the courage to speak up. Add a rainy day, and then you have regret.

Add the internet and then you have a blog.

I want to store in these pages the elements of a self-inflicted drama that I want to remove from deep inside me. I promise myself to write every thing that carries a hatchet in my head. I will live my life, and then remove the things I have written when I heal.

If there’s anything good that came out of being cross-eyed it would have to be the discovery that just when you think things will get worse and worse, you get better.

Do you regret meeting people?

There was this time I was standing in the main hall of my school, holding a sandwich and minding my own business when these two girls stood beside me. How can three people agree to be friends without saying anything? Actually, there were four of us: an angel-faced girl who I sat with during the orientation, a smart and beautiful girl who towered above me, and the last girl, the prettiest one, looking at me with narrowed eyes.

I wish someone told me then, look away, ignore her, she will betray you; but no one did.

It’s been four years since the orientation, and two years since I spoke to the girl who narrowed her eyes. I don’t know if I miss her, or if I’ll ever talk to her again, but I do know I regret meeting her, and she is not the only one. There are others, at different times and different places, leaving the same emotions, the same memories.